


Bloodstream

by AlexandrinaRen



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Betrayal, Eventual Smut, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Kylo Ren Redemption, Slow Burn, Star Wars: The Last Jedi Spoilers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-02
Updated: 2018-12-04
Packaged: 2019-09-05 19:33:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16817032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlexandrinaRen/pseuds/AlexandrinaRen
Summary: A post TLJ fic that takes place just a few days after the events of VII. Rey struggles with the consequences of having a force bond with her greatest enemy when she is trying to keep the location of the Resistance secret.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is just a rewrite of my other fic "Something I can never have" but instead of being written from first person perspective, its written from a third person perspective. Just wanted to try it out, I usually only write from a first person perspective. P.S am I the only one who has to read Rey's lines with a british accent? ^^,

Chapter 1:

_Wherever I go he's been, wherever  
__Wherever I go he's been, go he's been, wherever_

_But you get out of my head now, baby_

_You get out of my head now_

\- Bloomdstream/Astrid S

Rey woke up with a gasp, coming to a sitting position so fast that her head spun and her vision went black for a few seconds. Adrenaline rushed unbidden in her bloodstream, her heart beating a violent tattoo against her ribcage. A cold trickle of sweat ran the length of her spine.

Even though her eyes were open, all she could see was red. Red like fresh blood.

For a moment she had been back in that room again. That horrible red room. Unable to tell dream from reality as she was forced to kneel before an unreadable Ben. Her knees levitating over the floor, unable to move, courtesy of Snoke’s force-hold on her body. The Praetorian Guard lining the room were deadly quiet, focused solely on them.

She hadn’t been able to read Ben. Couldn’t feel a thing from him. His mind was closed off from hers, and his face utterly expressionless. Devoid of any emotion. She didn’t want to let it to affect her, not now. Not when she had given up everything for the hope she’d had in him. Left Luke and her training behind. She couldn’t just give up at the first sign of an obstacle. But his blank stare was making it really hard.

She’d tried to ignore every nagging miss-giving, even as he’d met her in her shuttle without a word, and led her straight to his leader. Rey’s greatest enemy. She’d tried to let her burning hope, her fighting spirit, fuel her strength and her belief in him. Because Rey had felt the conflict in him, tearing him apart from the inside. And even though the future wasn’t a solid thing, she’d seen it so clearly, he would turn, and she would be the one to help him.

Even with her hands cuffed together, Rey had stood so close to him in that elevator, his dark eyes following her every movement as he silently listened. And even though she’d seen a spark of something in his dark eyes, he hadn’t turned back or faltered. He’d still led her straight to Snoke. Stood by as silently as she was tortured for information.

Behind them Snoke droned on, but Rey didn’t hear a word he was saying. Her eyes stayed locked with Ben’s as he lifted his saber slowly. She had tried to keep the panic out of her eyes, out of her face. Instead keeping them wide open, trying to instill the sense of hope she felt for him. He wouldn’t hurt her. Couldn’t hurt her. Determination hade made her clamp her lips together, her neck stiff as a board.

”I know what I have to do.” Ben said.

_You won’t do this Ben. You won’t hurt me._

The saber came alive in Ben’s gloved hands, sparking and thrumming with energy. The red light burned Rey’s eyes, and heat fanned her already feverish skin. Her pulse pumped an incessant beat against her eardrums.

”Ben.” Rey whispered, her voice breaking. All her reasons for coming here, suddenly felt just as naive and futile as Luke had made them out to be.

”You think you can turn him? pathetic child.” Snoke sneered behind her.

She had been so wrong to come here.

Ben swung the lightsaber up in a glowing arc, then down. The sparking red line cut through Rey’s body with deadly force, unstoppable. Her whole body burned with pain as she fell forward, Snoke’s hold on her, finally releasing in death.

”NOOOOO.” a hoarse scream cut through the deafening silence.

Rey frowned, wiping away the damp strands of hair that had stuck to her forehead. It was that scream that had finally broken the illusion. Because that hadn’t been what happened at all. Ben hadn’t killed her, he’d killed Snoke instead. And together, they’d fought and killed the remaining Praetorian guard. He’d killed his master and risked his life.

For her. For us a small voice added.

And the scream, it hadn’t been Rey’s at all. It had been Ben’s.

Slowly, she let her hands drop from her face and her gaze travel across the white walls of the cramped room. The lights on the door panel making the room dimly lit. To the left, where another bunkbed should’ve stood against the wall she could suddenly see into a pitch black room. The inside of an unlit ship. His room.

Her heart constricted within her chest when she beheld the dark form in the bed across from hers. The small bed, not too different from hers. No luxuries for even the Supreme Leader in the First Order it seemed. He was fully clothed, except for his gloves and his cowl that were placed on the floor beside his bed. The sheet he had used as a blanket pooled around his legs. His raven hair hung limp around his face, sticking to the sides of his forehead. His thick brows were knitted over his eyes, turning them more black than brown. His breathing was fast and harsh.

Heat surged in Rey’s stomach as his dark gaze met her, silver lining his lower lash line. He was gasping for breath, shaking slightly. Rey’s mind reeled as realization struck. He’d had the same dream as her. Or rather, she had somehow stepped into his.

And it was Ben that had screamed so loudly - when his dream self had killed her - that he had woken them both up. He had screamed no. She could still feel the fear and regret emanating from him.

Rey sat up straighter, turning towards him. Driven to comfort him.

”It was just a nightmare.” She croaked, voice raspy from sleeping.

He visibly flinched, breaking eye contact to stare down at his clenched fists. He didn't reply. Instead a few moments of tense silence passed, the only sound Rey’s rapid heartbeats and his ragged breaths. She was just as certain now, as she had been then. He wouldn’t kill her. That had only been a part of his nightmare. He couldn’t bring himself to do it. Didn’t want to.

Ben suddenly straightened, his eyes meeting hers again. Totally dry and cold. In the few moments that she had watched him silently, he had tried to gather himself. Turning back into Kylo Ren; the only role he knew how to play.

He raised a gloveless hand towards her, biting out a cold command.

”Tell me where you are.”

Rey could feel the force he was exerting over her, powerful and commanding. But she only felt it through the bond, from him. In reality, she felt nothing at all. She stared at him non-plussed, quirking a brow.

”You can’t be serious Ben?”

His outstretched hand fell limply to his lap and he shrugged. The Supreme Leader of of the First Order actually shrugged. As if to say well it was worth a shot. In his ever changing eyes, that wouldn’t meet hers, she glimpsed Ben again. Too young and innocent to fit the stoic mask. He inhaled slowly through his nose, trying to regain full control over himself. But Rey suspected that the nightmare had broken something inside him, leaving him wide open

Ben raked a hand through his tousled hair, making it fall in a tangled disarray around his face. And Rey had to stifle the impulse to reach out towards him, to smooth the wild tresses.

Instead she studied him in silence as he fidgeted, observing every feature, every line. The hollows under his eyes had turned purplish since the last time she saw him, and his pale skin was stretched taut over his high cheekbones. His full lips, chapped and pale. She thought this probably wasn’t the first nightmare he’d had recently, he looked completely exhausted and in desperate need of sleep. He obviously slept fully clothed for a reason, ready to spring into action at any moment. Or rather so desperate for sleep that he would take any opportunity for sleep that presented itself. Even if it meant going to bed without removing his outer garments.

She hadn’t seen or felt a thing from him since Crait, when he had knelt before her with tears in his dark eyes, looking up at her imploringly. He hadn’t said anything, hadn’t repeated his offer. Hadn’t charged after her. Even after all the rage and betrayal he’d felt since she’d left him in Snoke’s throne room. But the emotion in his eyes had almost scorched her insides.

Yet in that moment, Rey had felt cold. Completely numb. And she had closed the door on him, on their connection. The stinging whip of disappointment burning like fire in her veins. She’d staked everything on her belief in him, in the vision of his future.

Even though he’d killed Snoke and they’d fought together in perfect unison to defeat the praetorian guards, the end result hadn’t been what she had envisioned. She had somehow, naively believed that as soon as he was free of Snoke’s invading influence he would turn back to the light. To her. That all his previous misdeeds would be undone. All a result of the hold Snoke had, had over him his entire life. But the need for power within him had been too great. So great that he just brushed away all her hopes with a simple question.

She’d felt the betrayal and hurt flaring through his mind when she had refused his offer.

Hot tears ran down her cheeks as she watched his outstretched hand.

 _Please,_ he intoned, his voice a fragile thing.

But she could not follow him down the path he was taking. Not like this.

A few days had passed since then, and they’d finally been able to land the Falcon on a remote planet along the outer rim. Rey barely remembered the name of the planet, Bpfassh something, it was of little consequence really. It was a desert planet like so many others. She hadn’t exactly missed the climate and they weren’t staying here long.

They had all ambled out of the ship after landing, the few of them that were left, trying to find someplace to hide. Leia had heard of a small stretch of land that had been used by the rebels during the Clone Wars, and it was there that they were headed. They’d finally been able to access an old building that had been used by the resistance before, it was sequestered deep in the ground, hidden by sand dunes. It was old and severely dated, but it was usable. Their goal was only to get some rest and to restock their supplies. Rey knew that the others had been trying to reach possible allies of the Resistance, but so far many hadn’t answered. She hadn’t really payed attention.

Instead she spent her days walking around aimlessly, unable to explain to anyone the full extent of the loss she’d experienced. It wasn’t just Luke. It was the loss of an entire future. So she mourned quietly, tongue tied by her own device.

Of course there was one person Rey couldn’t lie to. Chewie had after all known exactly where she was going when he sent her off in a shuttle after they’d left Ahch-to. So she’d finally told him. She told him everything that had happened between her and Ben, and what had finally made her flee, like a thief in the night, in Snoke’s ship; the strange vessel he had seen her land in as she met up with him and the Falcon. He wasn’t too happy about her choice not to tell the general or the others, but he could understand her reasons. Sooner or later though, she’d have to come clean. She knew that. But it didn’t make it any easier, or her reasons for omitting the truth in the first place, less valid.

She spent some time with Finn and Poe as well, though they were both mostly occupied. Poe with rebuilding and organizing what was left of our group, and Finn in the med-bay. He was hovering around the dark haired girl named Rose who was recuperating in the makeshift med-room. Rey had seen the change in him immediately when they fled Crait. He’d left her side only to end up across from her, at the girl’s bedside, gazing at her with such emotion that Rey had felt like an intruder, just for looking. So she’d sat there, staring at them forlornly, clutching the broken pieces of the lightsaber in her hands and trying so hard, not to think, about a certain person. A certain person that would never look at her the same way again, not openly at least.

It was even harder not to think about that person, when said persons mother sat down beside her, something so painfully familiar in her features and in her bearing. She grasped one of Rey’s numb hands in hers, placing her strong hand over one of the severed lightsaber pieces, not knowing who had broken it. Together they spoke of Luke’s passing, and mourned without tears.

All the while Rey tried to strengthen her resolve. It had been the right thing to leave him there, unconscious and bleeding on the floor of the collapsing Supremacy. It had been right to close the door on him as he knelt inside the base on Crait, eyes begging her to stay.

It had been right, but it hadn’t been easy.

Whenever Rey spent time with Finn after Crait, they soon fell in to familiar patterns. Though they hadn’t really known each other long, talking to him had always been easy, effortless. Their relationship made closer by the urgency of war.

Yet it was getting harder and harder to keep quiet when he continued to ask her what had happened on Ahch-to, why she’d left Luke before completing her training. She tried to be as truthful as possible, telling him about how stubborn Luke had been in his choice not to train her. And then she told him about when he’d actually started to giving her lessons. Finn laughed at Luke’s strange antics, and Leia had joined in with tears rimming her brown eyes. Rey completely omitted the encounters she’d had with Ben however, as they would only lead to a slew of other questions that she didn’t wish to answer. She then had to repeat the same story to Poe and all the other officials. Feeling shame rise in her as she did.

Rey couldn't avoid telling them about Snoke though, and that part was trickier. Rumors had spread through out the Galaxy of the new Supreme Leader, Kylo Ren and that needed explanation. So she told them that she’d had a force vision on Ahch-to and decided to fly to the Supremacy and kill Snoke herself, and that she had succeeded, besting both him and Kylo Ren. The lie felt like venom in her throat, but she stuck to it. The others were bewildered and shocked, but overall too exhausted and desolate to argue or to believe otherwise. It was clear however, that they wondered why she hadn’t finished the job, why she had left Kylo Ren alive.

That part Rey could barely explain to herself. Why she had left him alive, twice now. They were on opposite sides of this war. Yet she knew that she didn’t have it in her, to kill him. That hadn’t been the plan when she’d tried to take the saber from him, just to disarm him. Incapacitate him, so that she could escape and help her friends.

When she’d woken up after they had split the saber in two, Rey had dizzily scrambled to her feet, trying to gauge her surroundings. Just a few feet away from her, Ben lay sprawled on his side, still unconscious. She’d limped towards the broken pieces of the lightsaber, picking them up gingerly and shoving them into her pockets. The crystal inside had cracked, and she had no idea if it was salvageable or not, but that was a problem for later. It was just a matter of time before someone would come barging in here and see what they had done. She knew she needed to get out quickly, the resistance needed her help.

Rey searched the room, frantically trying to think of a way out, limping along the length of the circular chamber. Finally she had spotted something, just beyond the huge windows, a smaller vessel situated just at the side of the throne room. Snoke’s own ship. It was accessible through a side door. She thought that she could override the access panel, board the ship and leave, before they noticed anything. They were too occupied with blowing up the resistance ships.

Even so, she just hadn't been able to resist the temptation. Just before she made her way to the ship, she had crouched down next to Ben’s prone form. His dark disheveled hair covered his pale face, but she could see that his chest was moving slowly. Rey leaned down hesitating for a second, and then swept the black strands aside, watching his smoothed facial expression. The usual scowl that twisted his features was replaced by a look of almost childlike innocence in his unconscious state. She reached out a tendril towards his mind, but found it peaceful and slumbering. He would not wake up yet. She stroked his cheek lightly before she could stop herself, and then got up. Her heart wrenched inside her chest as she turned and ran over to the small ship. Never looking back. She couldn’t risk faltering.

Rey froze, holding her breath. While she’d sat lost in thought, Ben had sat up straighter in his bed. Scooting closer to the edge so that his longs legs swung over the side. If she sat up as well, their knees would almost be touching. She glanced up, loose strands of hair shielding her from full the force of his gaze. The look he gave her, caught her completely of guard.

”What?” she asked, her voice barely audible.

He leaned towards her, jaw working beneath pale skin.

”I don’t get the look on your face, and everything you feel is usually written all over it. Especially when it comes to me.” he admitted quietly, searching her features with an intensity that made her cheeks burn. Rey couldn’t say the same about him, his emotions were always hidden behind the carefully cultivated mask of Kylo Ren. His anger the only thing he allowed himself to express. She reached out towards his mind, a tentative touch, just skimming the surface. She still felt a conflict raging through him, but the two conflicting points where not the same. She couldn’t quite grasp it.

Rey swung towards Ben, mirroring his earlier movements, detangling herself from the thin blanket and swinging her legs over the edge over the bed. Cold air brushed her bare skin. She had been right, her knees where only inches from his. Staring at the space between their bodies her mouth suddenly felt dry.

”Well I don’t know what to make of you.” She admitted. ”how to feel about this connection.”

”You don’t look at me like I’m a monster anymore.” he mused, as if it surprised him.

She softened a little ”I don’t think you are.”

But what did it matter what she thought? he shouldn’t be here. She shouldn’t be able to see him at all. Snoke had after all claimed that it was he that had bridged the distance between their minds. But he was dead, and the bond should have broken with it. Yet it hadn’t. And now she was putting her friends at risk by letting him see her, risking her giving anything away. This had to stop.

Rey sighed, angrily wiping at the tangled hair that kept slipping out of the knot at the back of her head and into her eyes. It just slipped right out again when she swiped it behind her ear. Ben made a sudden movement that made her look up from their almost touching knees. His bare hand was raised towards her, his mouth slightly open as if he were holding his breath. It looked like he wanted to touch the stray hairs she was battling. Like he wanted to stroke them aside. Rey sucked in her lower lip, waiting. But his hand froze midair and remained hanging between them, before it finally fell back to the edge of his bed. He moved infinitesimally closer.

”Where are you Rey?” his brows furrowed in concentration ”I still can’t see anything of your surroundings.” Something she was very happy about.

Rey cut him a glare ”You know I can’t tell you that.”

He leaned back, clenching his jaw ”No, I supposed not.”

”Why don’t you tell me where you are?” She fired back.

His throat bobbed as he gestured vaguely ”On a ship.”

She scoffed. ”I can see that, but where is that ship exactly? chasing after us I presume?”

He sighed, a lick of irritation darkening his eyes ”Actually I have my sights set on something more important at the moment.” She cocked a brow at him, compelling him to elaborate, but he remained quiet, refusing to say anything else. They stared at each other as the silence stretched into minutes.

She was the one to finally cave in, questions burning inside her. ”How is this even possible Ben?”

He cocked his head, uncomprehending ”This?”

She pointed at the space between their beds. ”How can the force bring us together like this, Snoke said that he was the one that bridged our minds, but he is dead, shouldn’t the bond have ended with his death?”

For some reason she almost thought Ben looked a bit uncomfortable, though she couldn’t fathom why.

”I don’t know, but I’m trying to find out.”

"Find out how?”

He swallowed, shaking his head ”I have my ways.”

”What does that even mean?” She asked, exasperated.

”Just that I’m trying to find out.”

Rey exhaled loudly, gripping the edge of her bed. He was just full of answers as usual. Ben leaned further back, probably feeling the irritation pulsing from her mind. She turned back her scrutiny to his face, trying to read something in his features or his surroundings that would give him away. But that wasn’t what she saw..

In the dim lighting of his room, the scar that slashed across his face stood out in sharp relief. It was suddenly her turn to flinch as she beheld it silently. The scar crept across his cheek, down beneath the collar of his black shirt, and further down than that as she had witnessed herself.

The anger within her slowly fizzled out and died. She didn’t exactly regret her actions. She couldn’t, it had been the only way to stop him without killing him. He had been too mindless and hurt in his rage and sorrow to know when to stop. She knew he would’ve stopped eventually, he wouldn’t hurt her like that. But it would’ve ended with her capture, and that wouldn’t have gone well for her at all. Still seeing the scar now, really looking at it, made her ache for him. For the hurt she had bestowed him, when he had never physically hurt her. She wanted to reach out and trace the jagged line with the pad of my fingers.

Rey leaned forward without intending to, wanting to get closer. Ben somehow seemed to anticipate her intentions both in her mind and in her face, and he pivoted his upper body towards her. Allowing her to slide one cold fingertip against the side of his cheek. Tracing the uneven scar. She knew a wound such as this, would never heal completely, but it didn’t seem to pain him. He just watched her silently with something akin to reverence in his dark eyes.

Rey was growing bolder, her finger sliding slowly upward, across his eye. He closed them willingly, exhaling slowly as if afraid of startling her. Her fingertip was alive with feeling, electricity crackling between her skin and his. His soft hair brushed her finger as she reached the end of the cut. She inhaled shakily, scenting something in the air that definitely wasn’t coming from Her room. It was the scent of him, warm and citrusy and very, male. What was she doing? She suddenly lost her nerve, letting her hand drop lamely. She shouldn’t be touching him, she should tell him to leave her alone. Right now. To break the connection. And yet..

There was this strange feeling of a truce between them, somehow brought on by the late hour. There were so many unspoken things between them, so much anger and so much hurt. But Rey couldn’t bring herself to rage at him for what he’d done on Crait, not right then. Even as she could feel the hurt deep inside him, a hurt that only needed a little stoking to turn into blinding rage. But right now that felt so far away. The nightmare had laid them both bare.

For this one moment, they were not alone.

You’re not alone, Ben had said so quietly to her on Ahch-to, bringing the the hope she so desperately sought. And whenever they spoke like this, that felt true, she didn’t feel alone.

This time his bare hand reached out towards her, hanging in the space between their beds. Giving her the choice. Without thinking, she scooted closer, so that her bare leg brushed his knee. Energy sparked between their bodies, even though they were separated by the thick fabric of his pants. Rey wetted her lips and reached a tentative hand to meet his. Her eyes never leaving his as she closed the distance between then.

Just like the last time, energy sang between their minds, as their hands touched, skin to skin. She felt a thrill travel through her body from the very edge of her fingertips down to the tips of her toes. She gasped, at the same time as she heard him suck in a shaky breath, his calloused fingers closing around her smaller hand. Holding on.

”Rey.” he breathed, voice husky.

The vision that had played in her minds inner eye the last time they had touched, appeared again. Still not crystal clear, but the end result was exactly the same. Rey’s eyes stung and smarted. She wanted that future so much, needed it. A future in which she was not alone, a future where she belonged, had a purpose. Had a home.

Across from her, Ben’s eyes brimmed with an unreadable emotion, his features lit up by revelation. Without even trying to, a maelstrom of emotions made their way from his mind to hers, shocking her with their intensity. He flitted from one emotion to another so quickly, she couldn’t read them all. But one thing was clear, he wanted whatever he saw just as much as she wanted it. He wanted it so much that he was preparing to draw her towards him, dragging her by my captured hand. She didn’t exactly think that she would end up wherever he was, but she couldn’t risk indulging him.

In his eyes she saw all the things he wanted to say, that he wanted to repeat _Join me, and together we can bring a new order to the galaxy. Please._

Rey flexed her fingers inside his grip, forcing him to loosen his hold on her.

”My answer hasn’t changed Ben.”

He remained silent for a heartbeat, debating. His large hand still engulfing hers.

Betrayal, hurt, and resignation flashed through his mind.

”I know.” the hopelessness in his voice was heartbreaking.

Rey leaned forward, raw hope, sparking inside her again. ”Please Ben, its not too late for you. I still saw them same future I saw the last time we touched. You standing by my side, turning towards the light. I’ll help you.”

He averted his eyes, conflict raging through him once again. He hadn’t decided yet. There was still that ongoing battle inside his head between, Kylo Ren and Ben Solo. The Kylo Ren he had sacrificed everything for to become, and the Ben Solo he had tried so hard to kill, who had somehow come to life once more. And he was mad at her for it, for bringing Ben back to the surface. For making it harder to wear the mask of Kylo Ren. For making him feel things that he had buried so deep inside him these past years. But deep inside she thought he knew, just as she did, that Ben had never truly been dead, only buried deep inside. Subdued.

A loud knocking on Rey’s door gave her - them both - a start. Her hand slipped out of Ben’s as she turned her head to the door. A husky, gravelly voice calling out her name. The owner of that voice impossible not to recognize. Especially for Ben, even though he hadn’t heard it for years. Rey felt an unidentifiable feeling spark through their bond, only to give way to something darker. Sinister.

Trepidation grew in the pit of her stomach as she tore her eyes from the door and turned her gaze back to him. He couldn’t see the door, but he’d followed the direction of her diverted attention, and somehow heard the voice. She didn’t need to force her way into his head to guess what he was feeling. The change in his eyes was instantaneous. The little warmth that had kindled in them, had sputtered, and died out. His full lips forming a thin line, whitening.

Rey felt the warmth leech from her cheeks. “Ben.” She whispered, not able to hide the slight quiver in her voice, her stomach wrenching.

His dark eyes snapped from the door to her face. Her stomach fell further. There was such anger burning in his intense gaze. An anger that she hadn’t seen directed at her since they’d fought in the snowy forest on Starkiller base.

“Ben Solo is dead.” his tone was clipped again, the voice of the mask. Stone cold.

Rey’s eyes burned and watered.

"Please don’t be like that.”

His fists clenched and unclenched at his sides as he studiously ignored her, turning his eyes to the interior of his own room. A muscle twitched at his jaw, playing beneath the surface of his pale skin. The anger wafted of off him in great sweltering waves.

The knocking on Rey’s door grew more intense, forcing her to tear her eyes away from him again. She rose from the bed on shaky legs and strode towards the door. She just had time to turn the lock before Leia barreled in to the room, cane clutched so tightly in her small hand that her knuckles paled. She scanned the room wildly, passing over Rey, the bed, and then back to Rey again. Ben was of course, long gone. Like a mirage, he had simply vanished into thin air.

“Is something wrong General?” Rey tried to sound nonchalant, normal.

Usually she would’ve told her to stop with the formalities and to just call her Leia, but Leia said nothing. Her warm brown eyes searched Rey’s face as her fingers clenched the top of the cane so hard that the wood creaked. Several tense seconds passed as she scrutinized Rey’s face. Finally she let out a long breath, wiping the back of her free hand over her heart, and then promptly sat down in the ragged armchair Rey had placed next to the door.

“I thought..” she began, then huffed another loud breath and leaned back in the chair, resting the cane across her knees. Rey watched her quietly. She had just recovered from a near death experience, plus the loss of her twin, and she was up and running. Refusing to rest when there was work to be done. Her graying hair was coiled around her head in a pristine braid, not a hair out of place. But there was something slightly unhinged in her eyes.

“Everything is off with the force since Luke..” Leia trailed off, her gaze far away. “I just, I thought I felt something, I thought I felt.. it was as if he…” she was rambling, which was so unlike her. She was always so poised, and collected. Rey knew the “he” she was referring to wasn’t Luke, and somehow, just like Luke had on Ahch-to, Leia had been able to sense the presence of son, even though Rey’s and his meeting was just happening in their minds. Rey was going to have to be careful with that.

And Rey just didn’t know what to say. Even though she had grown really close to Leia these past few days, she hadn’t been able to bring herself to tell her what had transpired between her and her son. Though she really should’ve told her of all people. It was partly because Rey was ashamed of her own actions and the risks she had taken, and partly because she didn’t want her to experience the same hope that had flared in Rey, only for it to be brutally wrenched away. 

Ben wasn’t ready for the future Rey had foreseen, not yet. This latest encounter had only served as further evidence of that. Rey wanted to come to Leia with actual good news, she wanted to bring hope. Until she had that, she would wait. Just a little longer.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey's choice to omit the nature of her bond with The Supreme Leader is getting more and more out of hand.

_Did you forget that I've got a thing called emotion?_  
_You live and you let 'til you start to bleed_  
_How would I know?_  
_'Cause you left my wound wide open_  
_Just for how long will you let it bleed? Oh_

 _Did you know the lies you would feed me,  
_ _in the end I'd start to believe_

\- Emotion/Astrid S

Long after Leia had excused herself Rey lay awake in her bed, unable to sleep. Her pulse was still too erratic in her veins making her feel skittish and restless. The thrill of the nightmare still coursing through her bloodstream. The anger and betrayal in Ben’s eyes still burning her skin.

Tossing and turning, Rey eventually gave up on the whole thing. She determined that she had done enough sleeping for the night, and she didn’t want to risk getting sucked into yet another nightmare. Even though she was pretty sure, that across the Galaxy, Ben was lying sleepless as well.

Her stomach knotted, and her fists clenched around the ragged sheets.

Shame crested and fell within her, crashing like a tidal wave. Her continual inability to tell Leia the truth making her sick to the stomach. The lies she had told we’re getting too twisted, turning into something she hadn’t intended. Rey felt horrible for just standing there, letting Leia go on about what she had felt in the force, unable to tell her that what she had felt had been true.

Instead Leia left, probably feeling stupid and erratic. When she had gotten it exactly right.

Dragging a hand over her eyes Rey groaned into the darkness. The nights events suddenly seemed just as crazy and reckless as they had been. Had she really been sitting there, comforting her greatest enemy? when she should’ve tried to needle information out of him, or tried to push him out of her mind. She was putting herself at risk, and above all, what little was left of the resistance.

Still Rey had done none of those things. It was unfortunately easier said than done, as the intimacy of their connection made it really hard to think clearly. Made it hard to push him out. She could just as soon, push a part of herself out. At least that’s what she tried to tell herself, to justify her actions; or rather lack thereof.

Countless hours later, after lying stiffly on her back, and staring with burning eyes at the white ceiling, she finally got up and dressed quickly. The facility had no windows, so she couldn’t really gauge time by looking at the light, but she thought it must be morning at least. It was time to get herself together and stop moping around, it wasn’t like her. Rey never gave up.

Still the revelation of her true heritage, or rather lack thereof had knocked the wind out of her, in more ways than one. The realization that she’d spent the entirety of her life, waiting on people that would never return; that hadn’t wanted her, really hurt. There had always been this creeping suspicion within her, that there wasn’t anyone coming back for he. But still Rey had hoped, relentlessly. It was what had kept her alive all these years, what kept her fighting even when all seemed lost. She looked for them in every person she met, could this be my father? my mother?

But they weren’t special. They were nothing, and now they were dead.

It had taken her sometime to comprehend, but Rey knew now that Ben hadn’t said what he’d said to hurt her, even though it had stung like hell at the time. It had been the only natural cause of action to him. That together, parentless as we were - him by his own design, and Rey by fate’s cruel hand - were meant to be together. He thought the revelation would make it easier for Rey to shed her past and her beliefs to join him. And though it had shaken Rey to the core, shredding her hope and shaking everything she every believed in, the end result hadn’t been what he had expected. His vision hadn’t come true either.

And so he had made his choice, and she had made hers.

Navigating the empty underground corridors, Rey managed to get a hold of a few ration packs when she scavenged the old cafeteria. Luckily this place, old as it was, was well stocked with dehydrated food. Climbing up the stairs and pushing the large hatch door open, Rey stumbled out on to the sands, squinting and shivering. The cold temperatures that had ravaged the desert landscape during the night still held its claws over the surroundings, even as the orange sun had started to rise low in the horizon. Rubbing her arms she slowly made her way over to where they had stored the Falcon. Upon landing they had covered it with several large sand-colored tarps in an attempt to make it invisible from above. The shape was after all well known across the galaxy, and Rey was sure that the First Order were on the lookout for them everywhere. But it was easy to spot if you knew just what to look for.

Finding the irregular shape she crouched down in the sand, lifting the heavy material. She edged her way underneath, feeling rivulets of sand cascade down over her head as she did. It seemed as if sandstorms had swept across the landscape during the night, showering the tarp in massive amounts of sand, which only served to hide it better. Rey shook her head vigorously trying to rid herself of as much of it as possible, but to no avail, the sand had lodged itself firmly against her skin. It would have to do, until she could visit the ’fresher, Rey was after all used to the itchy feeling of sand inside her clothes.

Stepping under the dim canopy she followed the sounds of banging. Somewhere, Chewie was already hard at work, repairing the ship. Even though no permanent damage had been done to the Falcon, the First Order’s tie fighters had done a real number on its hull. Nicking it here and there. Chewie had been at it since they landed. Rey had tried to help him some in the beginning, but her apathy had made her unusually slow and clumsy.

Rey finally found him crouched at the rear of the ship, repairing a loose panel. His furry hands struggling to wield a small instrument within. The wiring beneath fizzed and sparked, completely busted.

”Need some help with that?” She asked. The banging ceased as Chewbacca turned towards her completely unperturbed. His excellent hearing had probably alerted him to her presence as soon as she touched the tarp. Chewie roared his assent, taking a step back and stretching to his full height beside her. His massive form towered over her as she looked up at him with a smile on her lips. It was really strange that someone of such intimidating stature could make you feel so safe. At ease.

Rey waved the packages in front of him. ”I snagged a few food rations from the cafeteria, have you eaten yet?”

He hadn’t.

They decided to leave the busted panel he’d been working on for the moment, and trudged up onto the ship. Preparing the meal was second nature to Rey, they just added water and then ate quickly in companionable silence. The food wasn’t anything special of course, but it was filling. Luxurious compared to the meager meals she’d been able to barter under Unkar Plutt’s vicious rule. She quickly scraped the plate clean - snatching the rest of Chewie’s veg meat when he left a chunk behind - before finally getting back to the task at hand. Rey took over the rewiring of the busted circuit behind the panel, and Chewie started to repair bigger holes and nicks on the hull. Sometimes resorting to banging directly on indentations and bumps, his massive fists more effective than proper tools. Rey quickly lost herself in the work, thankful to be doing something that kept her mind completely occupied.

* * * *

Hours later, they finally decided to call it a day. For some of the bigger repairs they would need to find replacement panels and parts. It was also becoming unbearably hot under the thick tarp canopy, and if they stayed out much longer one of them was going to suffer from a heat stroke. Splitting up, Chewie headed down to base to see if he could salvage any usable parts from the storage. Rey went in the other direction, deciding she wasn’t quite ready to go inside yet. The underground compound made her feel claustrophobic and antsy. She was used to an open sky over her head.

The sun has passed its zenith but still burned relentlessly above her head, making sweat bead on her brow and dampen her clothes. Heat made the air ripple and swirl over the cracked landscape. The familiarity of it all didn’t fell comforting, instead she missed the lush green of Takadona and Ahch-to. Still she wandered further away from the base, towards a small outcropping of rocks that jutted out from the flat landscape. It wasn’t exactly secluded, but it was the only cover she could find.

There she pulled out her quarterstaff, flexing and stretching her sore muscles. Trying to work out a kink in her neck. Putting her whole head inside the panel hadn’t really been comfortable. And even though several days had passed since her battle against the praetorians, her muscles still ached from the immense exertion. High on her arm, over her wrappings the newly healed skin stretched taught as she swung her arm in a circle. A praetorian guard had managed to slice her there, the electro-plasma blade searing her skin. Finn had helped her to apply a bacta patch when they’d landed, but it had still scarred. Two jagged lines, new additions to the vast library of scars she had collected during the years.

Rey swung the staff experimentally through the air, reveling in its familiar weight and feel. Even though it could never compare to Luke’s lightsaber, it was like an extended part of her arm. A part of her body. Reaching down to her belt, she unscrewed the cork on her canteen, taking a healthy swig. The tepid water barely managing to slake her thirst, but it would have to do.

Breathing in Rey widened her stance, letting her right foot skid through the sand to find the right and balanced position. Her hands slipped across the worn leather as she repositioned them absently, her right hand clasping the lower grip, angling backwards, and her left hand safely curled around the other. She bent her knees, keeping her back straight as she leaned slightly forwards. The staff angled backwards across her arm, lightly brushing the small of her back. She looked straight ahead, squinting against the burning sun.

Exhaling carefully, Rey tried to recall her first lesson with master Luke, to feel the force around her. To find the balance in between. Closing her eyes she reached out with her mind, stretching her awareness, until she could feel the ebb and flow of every living thing around her. Desolate as the desert was, the earth teemed not only with death and decay, but with life. Tiny pinpricks of light danced across her awareness. Thrumming with force. It might not have been as strong or as easy to spot as it had been och Ahch-to - the birthplace of the Jedi - but it was there nonetheless, as invisible as the air around her, but more palpable. Hers to channel.

Needing something to aim at she tried to visualize an imaginary foe. Snoke’s distorted features was the first thing that popped up, but it was too horrid. Ben’s tall form should’ve been an alternative, but it wasn’t. She didn’t see him like that. Instead she choose the faceless horror of a praetorian guard, its red armor a sharp contrast against the never ending beige of the desert landscape.

The first swing was effortless, her hands straining around the worn fabric she had wrapped around the staff. She smiled grimly and inhaled through her nose, the air so hot that it almost scorched her nostrils. This she could do, this was Rey.

Baring her teeth, she swung over and over again. Working herself to exhaustion. Swiveling the staff in her hands she lunged, letting her right foot push her forwards. The momentum kicking up sand in her wake. Her aim was true, hitting the same spot in the air infront of her, over and over again.

Mid-movement she suddenly felt a creeping sensation along the back of her skull. Rey froze, panting loudly as she listened. At first all she heard was a staticky background noise, the wind rustling the sand.. and then barely discernible.. measured breathing. She scowled and spoke without turning.

”Can we please just not do this now?”

An endless second passed.

”You know I didn’t choose to be here Rey.”

She spun around, sand pluming around her feet. The staff in her hands was already angled forwards, ready to strike. The contrast between her surroundings and his was jarring, like night and day clashing. She felt just as blind as she did when she turned off the light before going to sleep. Blinking furiously, she tried to adjust her vision to his dark surroundings. The effort making her eyes water and blur. Finally his black form took shape infront of her, the dark interior of a spacecraft bleeding around the edges. Not the Supremacy she noted, more likely the Finalizer. If Rey had intended to strike, her aim would’ve been correct. The head of the staff hovered just a few inches from his heart. Slowly she let her eyes travel from his black-clad chest to his pale face. The features far too familiar to her at this point. What she saw there made her feel cold even in the blistering heat of the desert. She did not see the same naked vulnerability he had unintentionally shown her during the night, his eyes were as cold hard and hard as metal discs, his lips were set in a thin line. Menacing. He obviously hadn’t meant for the connection to open up.

Twisting quickly, she righted her stance, letting the staff angle backwards until it was placed upright in the sand beside her. She straightened her knees and turned fully towards him. Observing him more closely, it was obvious that he was in better shape than he had been last night. Maybe he had finally caught some sleep after all. The dark hair framing his face, falling in soft, almost carefully styled waves. His black garb, without a speck of dust. He still wasn’t wearing his cowl or helmet, which was odd, but it probably meant he was alone.  
He stood rigidly under her scrutiny, broad shoulders stiff as he clutched something in his hands. A data-pad of some sort?

”What are you doing?” she asked before she could stop herself.

Her question seemed to throw him off guard a little, even as he regained his cold composure quickly. Angling the data-pad in his hands so she couldn’t see what he was viewing.

”That is none of your concern.”

She took a step towards him, watching his eyes widen as she did. The closer she got, the more of his surroundings seemed to solidify around him. He was standing before a table, laden with holopads and other technical equipment she didn’t recognize. Their light flickering, casting his face in a blueish light from below. her eyes narrowed in suspicion. He seemed to be researching something.

”Planning to destroy another planet?”

His jaw clenched as he met her eyes, anger burning in his gaze.

”The First Order does not destroy needlessly, we bring order and peace to the galaxy, unlike your little band of traitors and thieves, that only bring pain and destruction.

Rey blanched ”You can’t be serious Ben.” She took another step towards him ”The resistance is the only thing standing between your order and the complete annihilation of free will in the Galaxy.”

He scoffed ”By creating chaos, bloodshed and endless destruction.”

She shook her head, anger painting her cheeks.

”The First Order committed genocide, obliterating Hosnian Prime.”

Ben averted his eyes. ”We did what was necessary to ensure order.”

”It was necessary?” She echoed, voice rising.

He flinched ”What’s necessary isn’t always easy Rey.. and, it wasn’t my decision. It was out of my hands.”

”So you just stood by and let a whole nation get slaughtered, that doesn’t make it any better Ben. It’s worse.”

He looked away from her, clenching the datapad so hard that she feared it might break. When he finally he spoke again, his tone measured and controlled. It was clear that he was trying to clamp down on his rage.

”What is done is done. We can’t change the past. We can only move on from it.”

And that is why I could never take your offer Ben, she thought bitterly.

With a groan of frustration Rey threw up her hands. She was getting nowhere with him. It was like trying to have a conversation with a wall. All he was capable of doing was to repeat the endless propaganda of the First Order, that had been drilled into his mind. He was finally free of Snoke’s control, so why wouldn’t he break free from it? Picking up her staff she promptly turned and walked away from him. The soles of his boots scraped the floor as he turned from her as well, turning back to the data on his desk. Seemingly unbothered by their exchange, even as the rage that Rey could feel simmering just beneath the surface said otherwise.

She took a few steps forward, trying to loosen the tension from her limbs. Trying to ignore the fact that he was standing just a few feet away from her. Shaking her head and gnashing her teeth together she forced herself to concentrate. Bending her knees, and flipping the staff backwards she tried to pick up where she had left. Inhaling and closing her eyes. Her fingers flexing around the hilt of the staff as she tried to force herself to calm down. Feel the ebb and flow of everything around her. Just not him. The black void somewhere behind her.

Exhaling loudly, Rey felt her skin prickle with energy as she tapped into the force.

”You’re stance isn’t completely balanced.”

Her eyes flew open and her whole body stiffened, concentration shattering like glass. The voice didn’t come from far away, Ben had spoken right behind he. She spun around, only to find him a few feet away from her. She stumbled a little, thrown off balance by his proximity.

”What did you say?”

There was no mockery or anger in his gaze. If anything, he looked a bit unsure.

”I said you’re stance isn’t completely balanced, you put too much weight on your right leg. And you aim with your whole arm, when just a flick of the wrist would be enough”

How long had he been watching her?

Rey clenched her jaw and narrowed her eyes ”My stance is just fine thank you.”

His eyes darkened and his eyebrows slanted downward.

”You’re an excellent fighter Rey. You’re technique just isn’t as refined as it could be.”

”Well not everyone has had the luxury of being trained by a Jedi master like you” She spat.

He stiffened, countenance taking a turn for the worse, ”You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

She swung the staff towards him, pointing ”Enlighten me then.”

His fists clenched at his sides as he sighed. ”The training I’ve received during my younger years, and lately, is similar when it comes to fighting. Balance needs to be found in the body as well as the mind. It’s not always just about the light and the dark Rey”

She stared at him mutely, unwilling to give in. He had once offered to be her teacher. She was sorely in need of one, but she never pictured that she would receive this kind of help.

Finally she shook her head ruefully. ”Fine, tell me what to do then.”

He was silent for a moment, looking like he didn’t believe in her words. Then he finally strode towards her, taking up position beside her. The darkness of his quarters fading a little around the edges. Bending his knees, he let his right foot slide behind him as he angled his saber infront of him. It was a movement she recognized grimly, from Starkiller base. Yet he didn’t ignite it.

”Like this, you can’t place too much weight on you’re right foot, that will make it easy for someone to overbalance you in a real fight.”

Scowling, she unwillingly mirrored his movements, bending her knees slowly and then trying to find a new point of balance. He didn’t smile, but she thought she almost saw approval in his dark eyes

”Yes, now try to swing again.”

Looking away from him she turned her gaze ahead, gripping the staff in both hands. With a loud huff, she pivoted her upper body and spun the staff infront of her. A wild grin broke out across her face before she could stop herself. It actually felt better, as if there was more force behind her blow. The grin froze on her face when she suddenly felt Ben behind her. His gloved hands gripped her wrist lightly as he guided her movements. Rey flinched, but didn’t try to escape his grip.

His low voice right behind her ear made goose-prickles race along her neck. Whether from fear or something else she couldn’t quite decide. She swallowed loudly, heat staining her cheeks.

”Now try it again, but control the movements only with your wrists.”

Nodding, she let his large hands guide her as she swiveled the staff and then lashed out. Making in snap in the air in front of her. It did feel good.

Turning slowly, she tilted her head, meeting his gaze as he towered over her. The shadows under his eyes didn’t seem so dark anymore as he met her gaze. They stared at each other in silence.

Unexpectedly, he stretched out a hand towards her, and she recoiled slightly, unsure of his intentions. But his hand only swept the side of her cheek as he pushed away the strands of hair that had slipped out from her messy knot again. Her pulse beat so loud in her ears that she couldn’t think clearly. Snap out of it Rey

Pulling his hand back, he gazed absently down at his gloved fingertips. Rey couldn’t read the look on his face. The sun beat down mercilessly over her, but the skin he had touched felt even hotter than before. Close to boiling.

He frowned, then asked quietly, without looking at her. ”Is that sand in your hair?”

The whole world around Rey suddenly came into sharp focus, her heart kickstarting and revving underneath her ribcage. His eyes flashed to her face, understanding brightening their depths.

”You’re on a desert planet.” it wasn’t a question, it was a statement.

Panic roared through her body, all her focus honing in on him. On the threat. With a growl, Rey bent her knees, finding the perfect stance instantly. The staff spun between her fingers as she lashed out, hitting him square in the chest. Managing to channel some force into the blow.

Eyes flashing in anger, and mouth open in a soundless roar he flew backwards crashing into the wall panel behind him. The pain that ripped through his body broke the connection immediately.

Rey’s ears popped and her vision blurred as their worlds ripped in two, and suddenly she was surrounded by desert on all sides. Sand whirling around her feet and sun burning her eyes. Breath hissed between her teeth as she stared panting at the spot were he had been. She barely felt the staff in her hands. He had seen the sand in her hair, had he guessed her location?

Suddenly Rey was running, slipping the strap of the staff over her head. Her feet carrying her over the sand without conscious effort. She needed to get away. She needed to not be here.

Finding the entrance to the base she rushed past the guard, mumbling som inane excuse before ripping the hatch door open, thundering down the steps. The artificial lights scorched her eyes as she barreled down into the winding corridors, the soles of her shoes creating a rough staccato against the concrete floor. People got out of her way when they saw her coming, barely managing to get away from as her as she catapulted through doorways. She barely saw them, not even registering their faces, as she fled like prey from its predator.

A hand suddenly shot out after her, closing around her elbow forcing her to come to an abrupt stop. Warm brown eyes met hers questioningly, as she spun around, a volley of curses ready to shoot from her lips.

”Are you okay Rey?”. It was Poe, of course. Rey tried to shake free from his grasp, but his grip was firm. ”Did something happen?”

Breathlessly she shook her head, casting her eyes around for anything, an excuse, a reason to leave. This only caused Poe to draw her closer to him. She met his eyes, willing her features to smooth. He wasn’t much taller than her so she didn’t need to look up.

”It’s nothing.” She finally croaked. Poe gave her a dubious look, inspecting her sandy garb and sunburned face. He opened his mouth to ask something else, when Finn suddenly stepped out from the doorway just behind him. Which meant they had to be close to the med-bay. Panic made Rey's vision blur and her breath feel short. She couldn’t deal with this right now.

Finn’s expression turned to concern as soon as he spotted Rey beside Poe.

”Whoa Rey, what’s wrong?”

She shook her head mutely, unable to find her voice, before repeating her It’s nothing line. Poe gave her a look that said he didn’t believe he. Forcing herself to still, she cleared her throat.

”Really, it’s nothing. I just felt a bit exposed out there in the open, decided to head inside.”

Finn raised a brow ”At a dead run?”

Nodding she forced her sun-cracked lips into a wry smile ”I was just in a hurry.”

Poe finally let go of her, taking a step back and crossing his tanned arms as he regarded her. ”Did something happen out there Kid?”

Next to him, Finn crossed his arms as well, giving her a once over. ”Yeah, you look like hell Rey.”

Rey rolled her eyes ”Thanks Finn, you really know how to cheer someone up.”

Finn sighed ”You know what I mean.”

She shook her head ”Really I’m okay, I was just practicing some of what Luke taught me, and now I just need to rest.”  
That seemed to shut them up. A look passed between the two of them that she couldn’t decipher, then Finn nodded slowly.”If you say so Rey, but I hope you know you can talk to us, if there’s anything you want to tell us?”

She nodded vigorously ”I know.”

”Good. Well, we’ll see you later then. I don’t know if you’ve heard but the General has called a meeting. One of Leia’s former allies has answered our distress signal.”

The news should’ve made her happy, but fear was clouding all her senses.

”Yes of course I’ll be there.”

At last, they let her go. She walked away slowly, forcing a casual spring to her steps. She concentrated on breathing slowly, in and out. Making sure to give them a smiling wave as she went. As soon as she rounded the first corner she was off again, her feet slapping against the floor as she ran. When she reached her door, she slammed her palm against the panel. The door sprung open with a hiss beneath her hand, and she pushed it inwards striding into her quarters. Shutting the door behind her, she slid along its length, her back gliding along the cold frame until she sat flush against the floor, her head between her knees.  
She swore. What had she done?


	3. Chapter 3

_And I know there's a line, but I crossed it_   
_And I pray that it won't leave a scar_   
_I said I hate you, but I'm sorry_   
_Sometimes I wish you'd cut me off_

  
_Maybe I should think before I talk_   
_I get emotional and words come out all wrong_   
_Sometimes I'm more honest than I want_   
_So maybe I should think before, maybe next time I'll think before I talk_

\- Think Before I Talk/ Astrid S 

Rey didn't know how long she sat there, staring at nothing, her back pressed against the cold door. Her ragged breaths the only sound in the dark room. Hours could’ve gone by, there was no way to tell. The absence of the sun making her feel weirdly adrift, unhinged. 

Her mind was in uproar, thoughts swirling and warring with one another as she flitted from full out panic, to rage, to despair, to shame and back to panic again. Emotions raging so loudly within her that she eventually resorted to banging the back of her head against the cold door panel, in an attempt to quiet the voices. The internal tug of war giving her a splitting headache. 

She was both afraid for herself and her future with the resistance, and the safety of her friends. And that gut wrenching fear, and the threat of him and the First Order made her angry in turn. Then the anger would fizzle out into hopelessness and despair, before it finally turned back to that spark of hope. Her hope in him. The Ben she thought he could be, was still very much alive in her mind. That Ben wouldn’t sell her out, that Ben wouldn’t hunt her down. 

Was it even possible that, that Ben was real? or was he just yet another figment of her childish imagination. She didn’t know. Couldn’t know. How would she know for sure? 

Rey snapped her head backwards once again, as if for emphasis, but it only made her head hurt more. No answers came. There were no answers to be heard from the force. 

After what felt like an eternity later, after a long period of deep and measured breathing with her head between her knees, Rey finally managed to calm down enough to stand up and brush the sand from her clothes. Her legs were a bit shaky, her arms sore from exertion. But she was standing. 

She knew she was overanalyzing this, making it out to be worse than it actually was. Yes he had guessed that they were on a desert planet, but so what? there were countless desert planets along the outer rim. The chances of him finding this particular one, was slim. And she didn’t think that he was about to send a search vessel out to every desert planet in the system. He wasn’t that desperate, or that stupid. By the time he found them, they would be long gone anyways. This was not their permanent residence, she had to remind myself. This was just a brief stop, before they found a more permanent location. Preferably at one of Leia’s old allies home planets. Which reminded her that Finn had said that Leia had been able to get a hold of one of her old allies. Maybe she would tell them all where they were headed next on this meeting she had called. Rey knew she needed to be there, and possibly try to spur the others into action. Convince them that they needed to change their location quickly, without giving rise to suspicion. 

Determined, she headed to the refresher, stripping her worn garments as she went. She needed to get the itchy sand of her skin and hair. There was no telling when this meeting would start. Stepping inside the small structure, she fiddled with the dials, unsure what she was doing. Rey had never had the luxury of regular showers growing up. And even if this base and everything in it was old, it was far better than the facilities she had, had access to on Jakku. She had mostly been able to dunk her body briefly in water of questionable cleanliness. 

She squealed in shock as icy water splashed down over her head, goose prickles racing along her tanned arms. Her fingers slipped, slick over the dials, before she finally managed to find the one that regulated the heat. A hum of contentment escaped her lips as the water turned tepid, then hotter and hotter. She wasn’t satisfied until it turned scalding. It felt wonderful. She closed her eyes as the water cascaded down over her, cleansing her body of all the sand and sweat from the desert. Managing to wash away some of her worries with it. She was quite dizzy when she finally switched off the scorching spray, and pressed the button for drying her body. 

When Rey left her room some time later, she quickly found that the winding corridors were empty of people. The meeting had to have started, and she had no idea how late she was. So she started running on a whim, heading for the cafeteria which seemed like the ideal meeting space. As she ran she tried to battle her damp hair in to submission, trying to tame the wayward strands that slipped across her face. She didn’t bother with the intricate buns that she had worn her entire life. They were a part of her past that she had finally decided to let go of. Instead, she sectioned the top part of her hair off into a messy ponytail. Wrapping a leather string around its base to keep it in place. 

The rumble of voices and scraping chairs was becoming louder ahead of her, signaling that the meeting was indeed held in the cafeteria. She hoped that meant that it was starting, not ending. Rounding a corner, she almost tripped and fell over the rumbling ball of white and orange that barreled towards her. Rey skidded to a stop so abruptly that her soles squeaked against the metal floor.

“Beebee ate.”

The tiny robot chirped with urgency.

Rey wiped her damp forehead. “Yes I know Beebee, that was why I was running.”

Beebee chirped again and proceeded to roll backwards into the cafeteria, their head swiveling on their rotund body so that it was facing the room instead of her. Rey followed silently searching for familiar faces. As soon as she entered, every eye turned her way, the din quieting down. Rey squirmed under their scrutiny, she wasn’t used to getting this much attention. To people actually knowing who she was.  Up a head on a raised platform she could see Leia, who gave her a quick once over, her eyes crinkling at the corners, before she turned back to the crowd.

Rey muttered a few _I’m sorry’s_ as she made her way to the front row, were Finn and Poe were seated. They welcomed her with silent nods, making room for her between them, Poe giving her a hearty slap on the back, before he turned his attention back to Leia. Beebee had already rolled up to them, and was now pressed against Poe’s pant leg. Like a pet wanting to be praised. 

”As I was saying.” Leia began, a wry smile turning up her lips. ”- was that I have some good news. I have successfully made contact with one of my old allies on Naboo, and they have offered us sanctuary on Ryndellia. They have a facility there that they think might be of use to us.” 

A murmur of voices erupted behind Rey. She could guess what they were thinking. These contacts of Leia’s had to be very influential people to be able to spare a facility for their use. But Leia was royalty after all, of course she would have such contacts. 

”We will be heading there in a couple of days. Until then we have to get a few things in order. Poe has been working with a small team to get a couple of old x-wings fit for fight again, and he’s close to succeeding. Isn’t that right?” 

Poe stood up instantly, saluting.” Yes ma’am.” 

Leia shook her head, grimacing. ”Oh stop it Captain.” 

A few people laughed, as Poe winked, then plunked down on his chair again. 

” When the ships are ready, we’ll be off as soon as possible. I also believe that the Falcon will be flight-ready soon?” a nod towards Rey, and then towards the back of the room, where Rey now realized Chewbacca was standing, or rather bending. His large frame too heavy for the rickety chairs, and the ceiling too low to fully accommodate his height. He roared his assent, in answer to her question, and Rey smiled towards him before turning back. 

”I in turn, will be leaving for Naboo, to meet with my old friend and few others that I have been told are of like mind. It is my hope, and my belief that they will be instrumental in the reconstruction of the resistance.” a pause, then - ”I will also be bringing Rey.” Her brown eyes suddenly focused on Rey, and the smile froze on her face. Leia now spoke directly to Rey. 

”I have an old friend on Naboo, a friend that might help us get some leverage in the fight against the First Order. I want you to meet her.” 

The people behind Rey began murmuring once again. Voices hushed, yet shocked. Rey on the other hand, was rendered speechless. 

Leia’s eyes swept the room once again. ”That is all for now.” 

The sounds of scraping chairs filled the room as people began to disperse, but Rey didn’t move. She sat frozen in shock as the others spoke around her. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to go with Leia. She did, seeing Naboo would be fantastic. Meeting this person she spoke about would probably be really exciting. The problem was Rey, and the unreliable connection she had with The General’s son. What if the connection opened up in the middle of a meeting, discussing secret plans or the future of the Resistance? There would be no second guessing if he overheard those things. He probably wouldn’t have any problems with recognizing the people they were meeting either. They were his people too, after all. No matter how much he had tried to shed his past, Rey knew there were parts of him that remembered. And then the First Order would come to Naboo in force. Killing everything and everyone on it. She couldn’t be the cause of that. She wouldn’t. She was going to have to try to talk Leia out of it. 

She was brutally wrenched out of her escape-planning when a sharp elbow suddenly poked at her ribs. She flinched, hissing in pain. ”That hurt Finn.” 

The accused shrugged apologetically, brown eyes warm. ”I’m sorry, but we were talking to you, and you’re clearly not listening.” 

Rey lifted her gaze to find Leia across from her, observing her closely. She had sat down at the edge of the raised platform, tiredness leaking into her features once more. When she spoke, her husky voice was much less forceful. ”What do you think Rey, about going to Naboo with me?” 

Swallowing hard, Rey tried to find her voice. ”It sounds like a good idea, there is still so much I don’t know about the force. And I need all the help I can get.” 

Leia nodded sadly. ”I know.” 

”But why couldn’t you be the one to teach me about the force? the rumors say you’re just as strong as master Luke was.” 

Leia's eyes turned sad, but her tone didn’t brook any arguments. ”I can’t be the one to teach you Rey, my path doesn’t lie with the force, it never has. We need someone who is well acquainted with it, and I think you will find my old friend very helpful.” 

The chairs behind Rey groaned and scraped as Chewie made his way over to them, sitting down heavily next to Leia. She smiled up at him, pain flaring in her eyes so quickly Rey was almost sure she’d imagined it. But she strongly suspected that every time Leia saw him, he reminded her of Han and all that she had lost. But the moment passed, and Leia placed a small hand on Chewie’s arm as if she found strength there. 

”In the meantime I need you and Chewie to put all your efforts into making the Falcon ready for take-off, it will have to carry a lot of people, a long way.” 

Chewie agreed whole heartedly, placing a heavy paw on Leia’s shoulder’s, the weight forcing her to loosen her rigid posture. Rey in turn tried to swallow her mounting guilt and nodded in agreement. 

Next to Rey, Finn was leaning forward in his seat. Agitation radiating off of him.

”With all due respect General, I want to accompany you and Rey to Naboo. I think she needs someone to have her back.” 

Rey cringed inwardly, _no no no_ , she didn’t want Finn to be a part of this too. Especially not when she would have to try to find a way to get away from the General to lead Ben’s attention away from the resistance. Having Finn there would make getting away so much harder, and the betrayal ten times worse. But Leia quickly set Rey's mind at ease. 

”I appreciate the offer Finn, but Rey and I will be fine on our own. We’ll have Chewie on our side as well.” Chewie grunted in agreement. ”Besides I think Poe will need you at his side to guide the resistance. They look up to you, and will listen to you.” 

Finn started to protest, but Rey shook her head, placing a hand on his knee. ”Leia is right Finn, you’re needed here with the resistance. Rose needs you.” a low blow she knew, but it had to be done. ”Besides Leia and I won’t be gone for long I’m sure, and we can take care of ourselves.” 

”But..I just got you back” he huffed, and Rey's heart clenched, she squeezed his knee harder. 

His protest didn't sway Leia, she wouldn’t have it. 

” The choice is made soldier, you are going to stay behind with the resistance, that is an order.” 

Finn’s full lips thinned in disapproval, but he didn’t say anything else. Rey breathed a silent sigh of relief. Now she would just have to figure out how she would get away from both Leia and Chewie. A wookie and one of the most perceptive women in the whole Galaxy, no problem. 

Leia drew Rey back to attention as she cleared her throat. ”Now that, that’s settled let’s talk about our supplies. Have you managed to find any salvageable weapons or ammunition Poe?” 

Poe needed little persuasion to launch into a detailed overview of their remaining assets. Rey relaxed somewhat in her chair, content to listen for now. 

**** 

The others were discussing fuel when something suddenly made Rey’s senses riot. The prickling sensation along the back of her skull was the first warning sign. Then the hollowing feeling in her ears, as they adjusted to the sounds coming from around her, and from around him. As if she was picking up two radio signals at once. 

Rey paled, feeling the warmth leach from her skin, the words she’d been about to speak dying before they left her lips. She barely had a split second to make a decision. What if Leia would be able to see him just as Luke had? 

She shot to her feet, panic quickening her senses. Blood rushed to her head, making her vision flare with starbursts of white. 

Leia blanched. ”What is it Rey?” 

Rey’s gaze slipped unseeingly past Leia’s alarmed face, her brown eyes filled with concern. Behind Leia’s chair, a dark form was beginning to take shape, his dark eyes zeroing in on Rey. He lifted a brow in question, but she averted her gaze quickly. A spot of heat pulsing across her cheeks. Her palms suddenly felt clammy, her legs itching to run. She swallowed, trying to smooth her features as she looked down at Leia, Finn and Poe again. 

She was proud to note that her voice was fairly steady as she rambled. ”I just remembered I forgot something on the Falcon, I want to take a look at it before I get back to work tomorrow. I’m really sorry.” And then she turned, bolting for the door. Probably the worst excuse she had ever come up with in her entire life, but all the other ones she'd thought of gave too much away. Ben knew about the Falcon, and it was therefore safe to mention. 

A couple of ”Heys” and ”Whats” followed in her wake, but she didn’t stop. Didn’t say anything else. Didn’t want to risk giving anything away, no matter how small and inconsequential. She could sense Ben’s confusion as she swept out of the room, his presence close behind. 

Rey set off in a brisk walk, navigating the endless corridors, trying to put as much space between herself and the others as possible. She finally found a small alcove, situated at the end of a long, and empty corridor. She still swept one last searching look along the corridor, before she turned to the small indented space before her. It wouldn’t be good if someone caught her talking to a wall. She crossed her arms. 

”This is really becoming a nuisance.” 

A beat of silence. ”Agreed.” 

Rey looked up, meeting his eyes unwillingly. A surge of heat pooled in her stomach, making her cheeks heat. He was standing rigidly in front of her, his dark surroundings bleeding around the edges like a dark storm cloud. An invading presence in the otherwise tranquil corridor. She tried to shrug off her discomfort, narrowing her eyes at him. Three meetings within the span of one day. This was really getting out of control. She knew she was becoming a true liability to the resistance. Which only hammered in the urgency of her plan further, she was going to have to get away from Leia and Chewie, as soon as possible. 

”You said you were trying to find out more about this bond between us, how is that going?” 

His hands fisted and clenched at his sides. ”Its a bit hard getting somewhere with my research when the connection keeps opening up.” 

”It wasn’t my doing.” 

”Well its certainly inconvenient.” he spat, leaning towards her, trying to intimidate her no doubt. She stood her ground unflinchingly. 

”So leave.” 

His dark eyes narrowed before he finally said. ”I don’t know how to do it at will, and I would prefer it if you didn’t slam me into a wall again.” 

Rey almost blushed, but she schooled her features to remain nonchalant, aloof. ”I had to get away from you, before I jeopardized the whole of the resistance.” 

”What resistance?” He scoffed. 

”What little is left of us after you and your people slaughtered us.” he didn’t look apologetic, which only made her angrier. ”Just tell me, are you coming after us?” 

It was hard to be sure but she could’ve sworn he looked disbelieving. 

”Coming after you?” 

”You seemed sure of what type of planet we are hiding on, and I assumed you would send your whole fleet after us.” 

”There is no point in trying to find your current whereabouts, you seem to be leaving anyways.” 

She almost gasped before she could stop herself. ”You don’t know what you are talking about.” 

His eyes flashed with malice. ”Don’t I? because you were talking to the others about it, just now. Your plans to leave.” 

Rey's hackles rose as fear coiled white hot within her once again. She took on involuntary step backwards, out in to the corridor, casting her eyes around her to make sure once again that they were truly alone. Not that it would help if he was on to them. 

Her voice was surprisingly steady when she finally replied. ”What makes you think that?” 

He cocked a brow, giving her a look that seemed to say. ”I’m not stupid”, but instead he said. ”I heard you talking to the others, talking about you leaving.” 

She froze, breath hitching in her throat. Had the connection opened up further, allowing him to see the people around her? had he been able to see Poe and Finn? 

Ben watched her silently, gauging and appraising her every reaction as always, looking for a tell or an indication of her real thoughts. They were two pieces of a jumbled puzzle that they couldn't help but try to solve. 

”You saw them?” Rey whispered. 

His jaw worked, flexing beneath his pale skin but he didn’t answer. Finally he looked away, sighing as he admitted. ”No, I just saw you. But it was easy to figure out who you were talking to.. that traitor FN 2187” he almost spat the words. ”and her..” he trailed off, fists clenching at his sides. 

Leia, he had heard her. 

Rey looked up at him, trying to spot a trace of some emotion on his face. A hint of some lingering sentiment over his mother. He showed nothing. She decided that she would try a different course of action, trying to goad him into admitting he still felt something for his mother. 

”Leia still hasn’t given up on you Ben.” And neither have I, she added silently to herself. 

He visibly flinched, recoiling from her words, but he didn’t refute them. He didn’t say anything at all. Seconds ticked by as they stood there, facing each other, but not really looking at one another. The darkness of his surroundings clouding the edges of Rey's vision, like a cancer spreading. She soon couldn’t tell where her world ended and his began. 

She was wrenched back to the prescence when he finally spoke again, his words so silent that she almost thought that she’d imagined them. 

”I thought she was dead.” 

Rey's eyes flicked unbidden to his face. He was still looking away from her, his dark eyes alit with conflict, as he chewed on his lower lip. A roiling wave of emotion trickled through the connection to Rey, making her shiver with their intensity, but as usual they were too tumultuous for her to fully catalogue or comprehend. 

”I thought she died on the Raddus when then other Tie fighters blew up the bridge.” 

Shock widened her eyes. So his mother had been right after all. Rey had heard her telling Connix a few days ago that she didn’t think Ben was the one responsible for the destruction of the bridge. She said that she had sensed him out there in his TIE Silencer right after he destroyed the hanger, but she knew he hadn’t been the one to pull the trigger on the bridge. And to her that mattered. To Rey as well. But it had been obvious that Connix hadn’t really believed her, even though she had listened patiently without protesting. Rey hadn’t known what to believe, she'd just hoped. 

There was regret on his face now, almost imperceptible, but Rey could finally decipher that one emotion from the maelstrom of sensations coming from him. 

Clearing her throat, she finally managed to say. ”She is much stronger with the force than any of us ever imagined, I guess it really does run in the family.” She smiled wryly. ”The others say she managed to pull herself back to the ship with the force alone. She was unconscious for a while afterwards, but she’s back on her feet now. As strong and determined as ever.” 

Ben’s eyes finally met Rey's, and a dizzying jolt went through her body, electrifying her veins. She stared up at his angled face, trying so hard to gauge the emotions that was flitting across his features. For a moment she almost convinced herself he was going to smile. He took a half step towards her, and she didn't back away. Holding her breath as she waited for his reaction. Then the light in his eyes flickered, and petered out once again. His features shuttering as he slammed the mask back into place. 

”Pity, her death would’ve served the First Order well.” 

Rey shook her head in exasperation. ”Ben.” 

But he turned away, somehow closing his mind from hers. His footsteps clicked against the metal floor as he walked away from her, fading from view as he retreated into the darkness of his quarters. The connection between them stretched taut and then snapped like a rubber band. Their minds springing back to their original state. In its place Rey's surroundings slowly materialized around her, filling up every nock and cranny of the dark void in front of her. For someone who claimed to be unable to control the connection between them, he certainly managed to close it often. His volatile mood a powerful trigger. 

For a moment Rey just stood there, disoriented, as she tried to readjust herself. Then she turned back to the corridor and walked the many steps back to her room. 

She didn’t know what to believe anymore. She didn't know how to get through to him. Or if it was even worth trying.


	4. Chapter 4

_My heart feels like the sharpest razor blade_  
_I really hope this won't give me away_  
_Cause I've been drowning here for days_  
_Like a watercolor about to fade_  
_Every inch of me is there to trace_  
_No secrets left here on my page_  
_Underneath my skin, I see a change_  
_Blood races right up to my face_  
  
_Bursting out, no, I can't take it_  
_You really wore me down_  
_Read my mind just like I'm naked_  
_There's no hiding now_  
_I'm paper thin, paper thin_  
_Paper thin, paper thin_

\- Paper Thin/Astrid S

”Noooo.” Screaming, Rey jolted upright in her bed. Her legs jackknifing under the covers, almost flinging her over the edge, as terror spurred her body upwards. The scream sputtered and died out into a weak gasp as she slowly registered the dark room in front of her. Realizing she was back in her room, in her bed on the resistance base. But the pain from the dream was still suffocating in its intensity. 

She ripped the tangled sheets from her body, her sleeping shirt clinging to her damp skin, and swung her legs over the side of the bed. She clutched the cold bed frame tightly, needing to feel something solid, to ground her firmly in reality. In the here and now.

All she could hear was the scream as he fell, plummeting into the depths. 

All she could see was Han’s painfully familiar face, as she shoved the saber into his heart.

No not Rey - as Kylo, Ben shoved the saber into his heart. 

The shape of Han’s face was forever etched into his mind, burned into his very retinas. The lines of Han's weathered face smoothed into calm acceptance. His calloused hand warm and heavy against Ben's pale cheek. And then the twisting of his features as the ignited blade tore through his body. His eyes flickered down to blazing line that cut through his chest, before they traveled back to Ben’s, one last time, before he fell backwards into the void. The heat from Han's hand leaving an imprint on Ben's skin that would never leave, his heart cracking into a million razor thin pieces. 

_Gone._

The pain that barreled through Ben’s mind at that moment, was unimaginable. Too much for one body to hold. It shattered through all his defenses, all his pretenses, rendering him. Rey knew then that Kylo Ren had truly died at that moment, had been blown out of Ben’s mind forever. Shattered by the insurmountable loss. He could no longer pretend.

In the dream he had recalled Snoke’s words at that moment. ”Look at you, the deed split your spirit to the bone” and they both knew it was true. He couldn’t hide his regret from Rey. What was meant to complete his training, had undone it instead.

Wiping the damp hair from her forehead Rey lifted her head slowly, eyes flickering towards the dark bed she now knew was right across from hers. Ben’s nightmares had drawn her in once again, the raw pain within him causing the connection to open up. There was no closing it. She didn’t think it had ever been this strong before. Nor had her compassion for him.

He barely seemed to be aware that she was there. He was sitting up as well, clutching his sheet in his hands as he leaned his head between his knees. His breath came out in great whistling gulps between his teeth, as he shook uncontrollably. Great rolling sobs tearing through his body. His pain almost palpable in the air itself. 

His feelings had been so blatantly loud in the dream that Rey almost hadn’t been able to separate their minds. In the dream he had been so conflicted when he saw Han. Why had he come here? why was he forcing him to make this decision? Han hadn’t been involved with the Resistance for years, why couldn’t he have remained that way? These thoughts had been followed by anger, sorrow - then cold resignation. And then when the decision was made, a deep well within him, opening up to swallow him whole. He might as well have been the one to plummet to his death.

Letting the tips of her toes touch the cold floor, Rey slowly got up. Taking one tentative step before she could stop herself. To do what exactly she didn’t know. 

He stilled, his head snapping in her direction. The dark tangled mess of his hair hung limply across his forehead, partly obscuring his eyes. But even in the dimness of his room she could see tears glistening on his cheeks. Her stomach clenched in sympathy. Before her eyes traveled downwards, finally registering the state he was in. He wasn’t wearing a shirt. His chiseled shoulders heaved as he took in a ragged breath, white skin marred with countless scars.

Rey's mind was suddenly drawn back to the last time she had seen him just as bare. The situation had been quite different then. His nakedness had only embarrassed her then, and in turn the embarrassment had angered her. And she had screamed at him, raging at him for the murder of his father. Demanded to know why he had done it.

She felt none of those things now. His bare skin only made him look more vulnerable, exposed,and after seeing and feeling what she had in his nightmare she could no longer call him a murder. It wasn’t as simple as that.

She padded forwards, biting her lip. He just watched her silently, his dark eyes unreadable in the darkness. Somehow she  managed to cross into his room, her feet hitting the dark floor without a hitch. His surroundings solidified around her. The mechanics of the ship buzzing and whirring. Pausing before the bed, she averted her gaze, suddenly unable to look at him when he was this close. Rey chewed on the inside of her cheek, wrenching her clasped hands. A moment of hesitation, the seconds stretched, then her knees hit the edge of his bed as she sank down beside him. 

Her mind was blank, she didn’t know what she was doing, she was running on instinct alone. 

Carefully, as to not jostle the bed, she lay down beside him, their bodies separated only by a few inches. Turning tentatively on her side, Rey's eyes traveled up to meet his. She held her breath. He still hadn’t said anything, hadn’t moved. She didn’t know how he would react.

Finally he seemed to make up his mind, sinking down slowly on the bed beside her. His eyes flickered to hers, a wary expression on his face.

The silence stretched, thick and heavy between them as they stared at one another. Their frantic heartbeats calming. His panting breaths finally slowing down to normal, the wild look in his eyes quieting. Their hazel depths clear.

Exhaling she reached out between them, her hand outstretched. Palm up.  
His throat bobbed as he watched her. Then he took it. 

Feeling rushed through Rey's entire body, her skin igniting like torch. His calloused hand already warm and familiar in hers.

”You’re not alone Ben.” she whispered, it was the only way she knew how to calm him.

He clasped her hand tighter, as he whispered back, voice hoarse from screaming 

”I know.”

They stayed like that, hands held tightly, silently taking comfort in one another, until she finally drifted off, too exhausted to keep her eyes open. Sleep took her in a way it hadn’t in weeks. In a way it probably never had before. For the first time in ages she felt safe. At home.


End file.
